Death will be the Life of Me

Death is a trigger for me, and I’m not really sure why.

I only say this because of how impacted I’ve been, my entire life, by deaths of even people I don’t know.

I don’t know why death is such a huge thing for me. I had a safe childhood and didn’t lose anyone close to me until I was an adult.

The only significant event happened when I was about 5. My mom’s brother Bob died of cancer at age 21, back when I was a toddler. My mom had a picture of him in his casket. When we came across it, the subject of death came up. She told me that everyone dies at some point.

This was so upsetting to me, that it’s still a strong memory from my childhood.

I had a friend, Jonathon P, pass away at the end of our 8th grade year. He was more of an acquaintance to me, but we were in the same friend group. While his passing was a shock, it was due to a chronic illness, something I had no clue about beforehand. I remember being sad & confused, but nothing out of the ordinary.

The next death affected me for many years. A good friend of my sister’s lost her husband in a car accident. He was a teacher and going to meet with his principal on Martin Luther King Day, when the rest of the school was closed. His car hit black ice and slammed into a tow truck, dying instantly. He left behind a wife, young son and a six month old baby girl.

How could this happen? I looked up to this couple so much, they both had it all, and having just gotten married, I aspired to be like them.

At the time, my husband was driving almost an hour to and from work. We often talked on his drive home, and I always had a fear in the back of my mind- he could crash while we were talking. I can’t say this fear had a huge impact, but it was there.

I’m happy to report that this friend ended up finding another partner a few years later, had a third child and has a very happy life right now and has had for a long time because this happened about 20 years ago.

One thing I’m realizing, is that death has been an issue with a big impact even long before 2014- MY year of loss and deaths.

But why?

Why do certain deaths affect me so much more than others?

What makes one death so much more awful and heavy than the others?

Why do some news stories, like that poor teen who died on the ride in Orlando recently, make me cry like I saw it myself, or like I know the family?

And all the others, like Jack & Kathy, who I wrote about, and thought about for months.

I think this “death fear” inside me is prohibiting my body’s healing.

When I went to my 1st Reiki class in October, I declared that my body was going to heal itself! I proclaimed it to all, and talked to the teacher about purging trauma- even trauma from a past life. And in doing this exact thing, I became obsessed with the Kathy and Jack murder, right in the midst of doing wall sits on my lunch (wall sits help purge trauma, my teacher said..).

Since then, death keeps coming up and up.

think that I really need to work on this… I need to change my perspective. Death isn’t final, I know that, but that’s not what bugs me.

People losing people bothers me. Yeah, death isn’t final, but if I ever lose a kid and you say that to me, you can expect to get punched in the face.

Death is final, and it’s sad. The books that I study say otherwise. It’s just an illusion, it’s not even real- they say.

Okay, I want to be more awakened, but seriously. If I lost an immediate family member, no amount of knowledge or beliefs is going to make me not miss them any less, or be less angry or sad over circumstances.

So how do I keep death out of my living life? I mean, all year long now I’ve been affected by the deaths of people I don’t even know.

So why does this matter? I’m trying to heal my inflammation and have the belief that illness is a manifestation of suppressed feelings and emotions. I’ve been on the autoimmune protocol diet for a few weeks, with little relief to my inflammation. Physical therapy, nor my weekly injection seem to bring much relief, if any.

All this death stuff came out after I declared my intention of helping my body heal itself. I have to believe that it’s somehow connected.

Writing this out has helped a bit. Now it’s time to ponder. Any words of advice is appreciated ❤️

Published by Hella Moone

I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.

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